there's nothing to say.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say.

You're so hard to reach

And impossible to really read

When you're talking with

Two tongues in your mouth

And I wish you'd quit this muttering

Beneath your breath

It's killing me

You've not said nothing yet.

things you didn't know...

-moonlight sonata is probably the most comforting song in the world to me. I used to listen to it on a cassette tape of classic music every single night before I went to sleep when I was growing up (I had insomnia even back then). listening to it now makes me peaceful and think of a time when things were simple.

-I have a hard time giving up on people. I give them shot after shot to prove me and others wrong. I trust too much and it gets me in trouble. I've started realizing sometimes people are going to continually let you down and break promises and you just have to move on and keep them in memories.

-It amazes me that even with talking to someone everyday for years, you can still learn new things about them. it's beautiful actually.

-I still don't like lima beans. sorry dad.

-If I love you as much as my cat, you should feel lucky :)

-I think I've grown up to be a pretty great person.

"every road leads somewhere or there wouldn't be a road." the road to oz (1909)

low rising

I wanna sit you down and talk
I wanna pull back the veils
And find out what it is I've done wrong
I wanna tear these curtains down
I want you to meet me somewhere
Tonight in this old tourist town
And we'll go

Low rising
'Cause we've gotta come up
We've gotta come up
Low rising
'Cause I fear we've had enough
Low rising
'Cause there's no further for us to fall
Low rising
Oh, for the love of you

I wanna take you to the rock
I wanna jump right in
And see what that big ocean's got
I wanna turn this thing around
I wanna drink with you
All night, till we both fall down
Till we go

Low rising
'Cause we've gotta come up
We've gotta come up
Low rising
'Cause there's no further for us to fall
Low rising
And I fear we've had enough
Low rising
Oh, for the love of you

Low rising
'Cause we've gotta come up
We've gotta come up
Low rising
And I fear we've had enough
Low rising
'Cause there's no further for us to fall
Low Rising
Oh, for the love of you

For the love of you

Low rising, low rising

I wanna sit you down and talk

I wanna sit you down and talk about it now

it's not rocket science.

there's a cello in your house now

fourth of july

This exact time last year I was surround by a sea of people waiting to see the fireworks at the magic kingdom.

definitely took for granted being able to celebrate holidays with the castle as my backdrop.

two birds

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar

I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand

I'll believe it all
I won't let go of your hand

Two birds on a wire
One says c'mon and the other says "I'm tired"
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry
One more or one less
Nobody's worried

I'll believe it all
There's nothing I won't understand
I'll believe it allI won't let go of your hand
Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always gonna stay together
But one's never going to let go of that wire
He says that he will
But he's just a liar
Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar

Two birds on a wire
Once tries to fly away and the other... 

pdd

so I'm having major post disney depression today and found one of my old notes from disney, I'll share it here....

July 15, 2008 1:00am

So its 1:22am on July 15th, which means I officially have one month left in Disney, and I don't know what to feel. Being down here has been one of the hardest, and best things that has happened to me. There have been more than a few ups and downs, and so much has changed since I arrived in Orlando. 

Starting off my program, I was thrilled, to say the least, to be here. Everyday was an exciting adventure. I had new friends, a new apartment, and my backyard was the magic kingdom, what could be better right? In those first few months I formed friendships with most of the people that I now consider my best friends and I am so 

grateful for that. 

But somewhere in March (and when I say somewhere Jill knows the exact date haha) the magic started to fade. It was no longer exciting to be able to go watch the 3 oclock parade, or go to Studios for a minute just to ride tower. Work was definitely taking its total on me, and all of us, working ridiculous 60 hour weeks with no real break, managers that could care less about us even though we heard the constant "do you need anything?" 50 times a day, not to mention "no worries" **thumbs up** and the sight of the clipboard was enough to make anyone go crazy. But some how we managed through, together, and survived the brazilians, spring breakers, and god 

forbidden cheerleaders. Texting each other about ways to die at work became a must and ROS's became quite necessary.

But even though each day was more stressful than the next and each guest was worse than the last, I always knew I could come home at the end of the day and I would be comforted by friends who by now were my family. Sitting on the balcony til 3am every night, talking about everything and anything til the sprinklers came on, made everything worth it. It was strange to me, anytime I thought about how close I had come to these people in only a few months.

Then, some how it was June. It was time for so many of the people who were part of my family to leave. They were getting to return to a normal life, outside the disney bubble, and I was jealous, but beyond the jealous I was incredibly sad...and still am. It's hard everyday not having those people that supported me here, but I know theyre always only a phone call or text away.

The summer started and new cps came in, and my countdown to home started. Each day I would mark off another day on my calendar, one day closer to leaving florida. 

And now, with exactly 30 days left, I'm not sure what to do. I want to spend every waking minute with these people I call my family, and try to regain some of that Disney magic I had when I first arrived to this fairytale land.

Leaving is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know theres a lot of people I've grown so close to that I'll never see again, and thats hard to think about. Its going to be especially hard leaving the people I've just recently become to close to, I want more time with you, and I know I can't have it. But thats life I suppose. We'll all move on, and forget all our denied ER's, our nights out that failed, and our times where we wanted to self term...but we won't forget the things and the people that 

matter, and I guess that's all we can ask for right?

Well after writing all of this I guess my feeling is bittersweet. So lets enjoy our last month, lets ER as much as possible, drink way too much, and have lots of failing, because I mean, what else could we ask for? Haha I love you all more than you know.
xoxoxo, Alix

mémoire

"memory is such a strange and selective creature. it collects those details that put a gentle pressure on the heart and yet it discards the ones that pierce too deeply."- james lecesne

I don't know how I feel about that quote. Do we truly discard the things that hurt us most or do we just hid them?  Something that makes such a painful impact on us can't be lost forever can it? There has to come a time when it surfaces and the mind has to come to terms.  As I get older I find it harder to push these things out of my mind; hiding them from myself is becoming less of an option.  It pushes me to work on closure, which is something I always struggle with. Rainy weather always gets me in funk moods. Just stuff to think about.

la paix et l'amour toujours et a jamais.

circus.

my life is weird. I work at Springer/Wilkos now which=insanity. today we did a wedding show which was stellar and a lot less stressful than usual. last week was PPV, which can't really even be described. basically nothing surprises me anymore and mondays=stress beyond belief.

hmm what else...

watched philadephlia for the first time tonight because I'm going to write a cultural analysis on it for film class. it was beyond sad and of course I cried my eyes out. tom hanks I love you. 

mmm that's it. life is crazy and I love it.

namaste

eight 1/2

(rent fellini's 8 1/2...it's fantastic.)

sunday

i love lazy sundays. tanning, bad tv movies, and veggie burgers.

also i found our vacation list we made on the way home from our december disney trip...let me share a bit:

*thirteen stories, yeah give it to me, thirteen stories

*young and the restless

*"she did pose what a bitch"

*wildcat

*"who's g string just fell out of my luggage?"

*thats the alice i hate

*"hi"

*kath singing- run run rudolph

*witchhazel

*yak and chronic

*bergen county oh no

*ten pairs of tits and a vag in my face

*church group scavenger hunt

i should have blogged during the cp. it would have helped make it less of a blurred memory. 

i was all alone before i met you. i have seen the sun illuminate your eyes. from brown to green and then the darkness withered by. and now i have a man to hold me tight. through the desolate nights. it all happened so fast...

eastern glow

one by one

we force ourselves

turn it on

it comes in waves

try to find

maybe this time

don't turn your head

it's easy to forget how we were

once inside

we've made it here

we struggle with the lights

they never go away

what have we learned

it's the same old things

that drive us here

and never go away

we are changed

through the tides 

make your way

you'll find the time

a comfort inside

here I wait

in the safe place

where we were so many years ago

so many years ago

one by one

we close our eyes

and returned to that place 

as a thousand nights went go by

tellement

Personne ne croit plus aux sorciéres

Ne t'inquiéte pas je saurai me taire

D'etre pour toi ton homme

A tout faire

Tu m'as manqué tellement, tellement

Je n'aurais jamais cru autant

Tu m'as manqué tellement, tellement

J'arrive a me demander

M'aurais-tu ensorcelé

tourjours

milk.

"If Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less by their churches or by the government or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value. And that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you. And that very soon I promise you, you will ahve equal rights federally across this great nation of ours."- Dustin Lance Black

the breakup.

the city of chicago and I are breaking up. we've been in this abusive relationship (it's my chris brown...too soon?)for three years now and I am finally calling it quits. unfortunately I technically still have to live here for one year. whoops.

besides the snow storm that happened today, the red line decided it wasn't going to run southbound tonight, so the CTA man told me I would be okay if I took the brown line home. false. a 20 year old girl walking by herself at 1230am through the streets of chicago is not ok. after walking four blocks the wrong way because it was safer than walking the right direction I had to start trekking towards my apartment. well I passed basically every night club/bar in downtown chicago, where every drunk man was outside and felt the need to cat call me or attempt to get me to come home with him. once again false. I'm pretty sure I heard "aye mamiiii where are you goin tonight, come here" at least four times.

now I understand this will mostly likely still occur in LA but at least it will be warm and I wont be trudging through the snow and wind. 

it's time to go.

lighthouse

"It's Saturday morning and I just read your e-mail. As usual the depth of your self-understanding awes me, as does the struggle of your soul to evolve and become. I understand everything you said. how do we get loved when we don't appear to need love? How do we get held when we seem to be self-sufficient? How do we get attention when everything's okay?...I am me, myself, separate matter.  I alternate between desires to go on mad drinking binges or a fucking binge or just to die...Coming to our loneliness, our death. Not being afraid or uneasy with it.  And you're right- love is the only salve/ It makes this journey into the center of our self aloneness bearable. I love you. And as Rilke says, I stand as a guardian of your solitude.  That's what friends do- they see and honor each other's separate solitude. I want to reach in there sometimes and rescue you from the terrible pain of this aching separteness, but that would be undermining you, stripping you of your strength and value. So we bear witness to each other's standing tall.  And I respect you as deeply as I have ever respected anyone. And I know you will eventually feel comfortable standing by yourself surrounded by those of us who see your insane beauty and brilliance and kindness and deep shiny black hair."

-another excerpt from the book of essays 

Clark Gable

"This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forget who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember you, which is my pleasure."

taken from a book of short essays

Hugs

It's free hug day, which is my favorite day. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Enjoy.

I love you.

Coeur à coeur

I watched a french film called "Hiroshima mon amour" and there was a beautiful quote from it that I want to share... "Tu es détruire moi. Tu es bon pour moi." (You're destroying me. You're good for me.) I like it. I think everyone has that in their life, whether it's a person or a vice. The film is heart wrenching. All about forgetting and remembering memories. About what happens when we forget and how much it can hurt to remember. 

I love watching foreign films. I always think things are more beautiful in a different language.  Sometimes I try to not even read the subtitles, just listen to the language. I don't know why I've always had a fetish for languages. Maybe it's my yearning to travel. I don't know.

I like blogs.

"Parfois, nous devons éviter de penser au sujet des problémes de vie présente. Autrement, nous étouffer."